Every single touch would be too much, as we both would fade away, wanting more, unable to have more. He has a relationship. And we … we can’t be. He loves his girl. If only she knew what she had. Because if I had him, every day would be like a dream.
There’s this undeniable attraction between us. And until shortly, I denied feeling more than passion. But I do feel more. Along with this passion that I’ve never felt before, comes love. We have what everyone wants. Passion, lust, understanding … and love. We only have to look into each other’s eyes, to know what we both feel. I never thought I’d ever feel this way.
I knew I was going to see him that day. And I was longing to see his eyes, as I knew he was too. But we promised each other to ignore what we feel as much as we both could. So I got ready, all dressed up, trying to look perfect for someone I didn’t have to look perfect for.
So let’s start at the beginning. There was this event I went to with a bunch of people I recently met. My best friend dragged me with her one day to meet her friends and I instantly loved going out with them. Avan was one of them. At first, I didn’t pay much attention to him. It was only the third time I saw his, I noticed what he was like and I started to get interested. We started talking more and I started flirting. But because of the girlfriend he had, he never really reacted to my flirting. Until that one day. We were talking, again. I was flirting, again. And suddenly, he was too … It wasn’t a spark anymore. It was fire. The kind of fire I’ve been longing to experience for so long.
The next day, he was quiet. Not just against me. Against everyone. And I instantly knew what was wrong. He felt guilty and was torturing himself. After a while, I couldn’t see it anymore, even though I never really saw it. I just felt it. We talked and that’s when we made our promise. We’d stop what hadn’t even really started. We’d try to forget, even though it wouldn’t be easy. For neither one of us.
So as I was driving, he was the only thing on my mind. I was trying to figure out how to respond when I saw him. Was I going to give him a hug, like I usually do? Or was I going to ignore him? Perhaps just say hi? I didn’t know, so I decided to wait and see what would happen.
And there I was, standing right in front of him. My best friend gave him a hug, and I wanted to do the same, as his hugs were amazing. I looked at him and smiled, but it was the kind of smile that said more than just ‘hi’. And then, he came closer and hugged me, like he used to do. But that day, it felt even better. The hug was a little longer than it was supposed to be, but that was exactly the way I liked it.
The rest of the night was filled with laughter, yet I didn’t laugh as much as I normally would. My thoughts were with Avan. Seeing him there, yet not being able to touch him, was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I never felt the urge to be with someone as much as I did with him. The best moments of the night, were when I turned around to look at him, but caught him already staring. At those moments, we looked into each other’s eyes for a few wonderful seconds, and then turned away. Sometimes, I turned away smiling, which he saw. But at some moments, most moments actually, I was sad as our eyes left each other.
I couldn’t take any more of this torture. It wasn’t late yet and my best friend didn’t want to leave yet. I didn’t ask her either, because I wasn’t going to ruin the night for her. Instead, I just left. I wandered outside, not knowing where I was going or if I would find my way back. Avan was right. The lights in the streets were gorgeous at night. I never paid attention to them, but as I was wandering around, I couldn’t help but think about him and everything he said to me. That’s why I paid attention to the lights. That was when I sat down and cried. I couldn’t walk anymore. The only thing left for me to do, was looking at the stars, the lights and the trees surrounding the street, as my tears left my eyes and slid over my cheek.
Suddenly, I heard footsteps. I didn’t care, so I didn’t look up. I wasn’t going to let people see my tears, even if they were strangers. The footsteps came closer and stopped near where I was laying. I still didn’t look up, as I felt numb. The stranger sat himself next to me and that’s when I realized it wasn’t a stranger. It was Avan. Right after I knew that, he said hi. Nothing more, nothing less. I sat up straight, afraid to look at him, as my face was wet with my tears. He touched my face and pulled it softly into his direction, where our eyes met for a small second. I threw my eyes down to stare at the grass, because I couldn’t look at him. I knew that he knew that the tears I cried, were tears I cried for him. No words were spoken, because we needed none to understand. He came closer and took me in his arms, after wiping away my tears. We stayed like that for a while. It felt perfect and I knew it did for the both of us.
The silence was broken by his voice. He told me he had to say something. Something he knew he shouldn’t tell me, but he could no longer be silent about. I looked him in the eyes and I knew what he was going to say. “Don’t say it”, I told him. “If you do, you’ll feel bad about it. That’s the last thing I want”. But he said he couldn’t possibly feel bad about the truth, even though it’s hard. He told me that he thought about these words for so long and never felt them to be as true as with me. I was still looking at him, telling him with my eyes that he shouldn’t say those words. It’s not like I didn’t want to hear them, my God, I did. But I knew that if he would, right there, at that moment, that I would’ve been lost. Lost in his eyes, in his arms and in his lips. And so I was. “I love you”, he said. “I love you more than words could say”. Another tear rolled over my cheek, but this time, it was a different tear. It was a tear out of joy. “I love you too”, I responded. And those words could never be truer. That’s when our eyes didn’t just look into each other’s eyes, but wandered off to our lips. Slowly, he came closer, while laying his hand on mine. Our hands felt perfect together, as if they were never meant to hold something else.
At that moment, our lips touched. It was like heaven on earth, just like he said it might be. The way his lips connected with mine … it was perfect. I never knew a kiss this gentle and slow, could feel this amazing. And I knew, right then and there, that everything would change. Then our lips broke apart, yet the moment was still perfect, as he told me that I was everything he ever wanted.