For all of you having followed ‘Wish upon a dream’, thank you! I know I’ve said that I would post a sequel every Thursday, and I didn’t last week. Today is Thursday again, so I should be posting part IIII of the story. Should be, indeed. I’ve decided not to, and to end the story and leave it for what it is. Here’s why:
Honestly, wish upon a dream never really was a made up story to begin with. It’s about something in my life that started at the age of 16, about feelings I had created for someone, very deep and genuine feelings. Over the years, I’ve been wanting to write down our story, but I never got myself to start. It was a both painful, and most of all I never knew how it would end, since it never really came to an ending. And I just didn’t really want to write about this part of my life when I had to make up the ending to the story. So I never started to write. Until about a month ago. I felt like I was ready to write it down, even though I still did not know the ending. But over the years so much had happened, that I would have a bunch to write about it anyway.
And a week ago, I caught myself not finding the inspiration to continue to write, not the motivation. And I started to wonder why. Now I know.
My feelings for the person I called ‘Gibson’ in the story, took a turn. If you read the story, you’ll know that I fell for him the moment I saw him, and I can tell you that that never really stopped. Whether we didn’t talk for years, or were friends, I never stopped loving him. And I never thought I could stop. I still don’t think I can. But I do know one thing. At the age of almost 23, I no longer expect anything from this person. I went years hoping he could be a friend, as I valued him very much as a friend, and felt it was better for me to have a friend in him, than anything more than that. We both agreed on that too. In the life we live in now, and in the past chapters and current chapter of our lives, we wouldn’t be good together. And whilst knowing that, we both knew it would be better if we would just be friends. And that’s what I truly wanted to be, his friend. I didn’t need more, and I didn’t expect more. I only expected friendship, no matter what my feelings for him actually were.
Until now. The past year, I’ve dealt with some losses of people I truly cared about. I had a rough time that I knew I would get through, like I always do, but I needed my friends around me. They always say that it’s in times like those, that you learn who your friends are, and indeed, you do. Many weren’t there when I told them I needed them, many turned away when I needed them most. And he was one of them. But then it hit me. Over the years, he only needed to ask me to be there for him, and I would jumped and be there, no matter what. I would support him, even at times where it was hard for me to do. He’s not the most open person, so he didn’t always let people in, but when he needed me, I was there. And for as long as I remember, when I needed him, he was not there. Not when I asked him to be, not when I told him I didn’t feel like he was there for me. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care about me, because I know he does, but it all just made me think about things.
If someone you care about that much, can’t even be there as friend, then how could he ever be there as more? And if he can’t even be there as a friend, should you still call him a friend? Should you still jump when he needs you, or should you still expect him to be there, when he proved from time to time that he can’t be?
Reaching out to your friends when you’re having a hard time, and having them not being there, is hard, and mostly disappointing. And by him, I have been disappointed a lot over time, simply because he could not even be my friend. I’ve reached out to him many times, and he wasn’t there. He’s made promises he couldn’t keep, and canceled more appointments than I can keep up with. And only when I got upset and frustrated about him never being there, he did effort. It made me feel like I was there as someone to fall back on when he has no one left. And it’s not a fun feeling to have. And it’s a feeling I refuse on having again from now on.
Does it mean I’ll stop caring about him? Does it mean that I no longer want to have anything to do with him? No. It just means that his biggest part in my story is over. It means that I will no longer expect him to be a friend, and therefor no longer expect him to be there for me when I need him. So like I said: I no longer expect anything from him anymore, nor from others.
If people will be there for me during rough times, I will appreciate them and be happy for them, but I won’t expect it of them. The only one I will be counting on from now on, is myself, and my family, even though we don’t always agree on everything. I know I can always go to them when I have a problem, and even when they might not understand, or when they don’t know what to say, they will just simply be there. And I’m glad to have them.
With all that being said: I will no longer continue to write about Gibson and Alex, because it doesn’t really feel like I have anything to say about it anymore. I don’t hold grudges or I’m not angry with him, and I’m not throwing him out of my life. I’m just done expecting things, and it’s good that way.
I’ll be writing an entry to a fictional story next Thursday, and will follow up on that every Thursday from then on.
I hope you guys understand, and thank you again for reading.